Eyewitness to the New Millenium

Polarmine Observatory, CA -- Scientists at OOPS are theorizing that the mass of weird happenings all over Earth in the past few weeks may be the result of dramatic, yet unrecorded shifts in the planet's polarity.

The plethora of mind-boggling attitudinal shifts of humankind have delegates buzzing this week at the United Nations headquarters in Stockholm. They speculate that the massive shift instanteously shifted back again, and express dismay over what such an event could wrought across the planet. No can cipher, said representative DeeJay Tutu from Swaziland, people go loco like they been chew'an th' ganja mahn. But, yeah, it's cool, you know. I mean, you know it's way cool.

OOPS, the Overcontrol Operations for Psychic Stuff, is scheduling yet another international conference call among scientists via NerdWord Planetary Hook-ups.

South Bend, Indiana -- Shocked and dismayed over Notre Dame's third consecutive 0-11 football season, the Pope today declared it a mortal sin for any human to forcibly subdue and wrest to the ground anyone wearing a gold helmet, unless the perpetrator was himself a Catholic in good standing and wearing such a helmet.

New Head Coach Bobby Nite, smoke visibly wafting from his ears and nostrils in a subdued dressing room at Ohio Wesleyan College, where the Irish were crocked 69 0, called a press conference to say: #*!!*! .... And also -- *!#*.

Bloomington, Indiana -- Indiana University filed a breach of contract suit against former legendary basketball coach Bobby Nite today. The suit charges Nite, termed a current hireling at some other Indiana school, with failing to return $5 million in advance bonuses for his personal appearances on the campus television news hour, as well as walking onto the basketball court in street shoes.

National Collegiate Athletics Association headquarters, SweetSweat, Virginia -- The organization governing college athletics was rocked by three separate class action law suits by student groups today.

The first suit, filed by Mondo Nerds, Inc., charges that the overemphasis on college athletics has damaged the quality of education and degraded cafeteria food for all non-athletes. The suit also attacked the concept of training diets as a discriminatory practice unsuited to academia.

A second suit, filed by a Jocks-R-Us, Ltd., charges the NCAA with instituting a policy of slave labor without providing athletes due compensation in either money or an education. They also requested leaner cuts of sirloin on the training table.

The third suit, filed by Athletes Not Under Slavery (ANUS), charges the colleges with systematically depriving them of the opportunity for a good education because of rigorous practice regimens, lost academic time and pressurized and distracting competitions. They also requested more seafood.

These suits are ridiculous, said NCAA Chairman Dick Dickson. The NCAA doesn't have anything at all to do with students, education, or cuisine. We build national institutional prestige. In fact, I'm sick of all the whining. I think it's time we started closing down some of these academic departments that don't turn a profit instead of always picking on the people who are making the money for higher education. It's truly amazing how some people's priorities get twisted to where they can't see how much glory and media coverage these universities get from having intercollegiate athletics.

Perverta, Sicily -- Carlos Big Jowels Styroni arrived here by private jet today, haggard and dark-eyed from the plague of nightmares that has rocked the Mafia empire. Horrible dreams have now frightened and coerced every known Mafioso into returning to the old country under threat of eternal and continual castration.

Vivid dreams simulating this perpetual event seem to have broken the back of the world crime syndicate and sent sleeping pill stocks soaring.

Meanwhile, Mediterranean geologists were double-checking seismology readings showing that a powerful earthquake may be brewing on the island.

Sausalito, California -- The fast-growing Herbal and Natural Health Coalition today was raving about their candidate's win in the California gubernatorial election, as well as a victory in the U.S. Congress for a bill that opens up all medicinal plants for the healing of the people.

The U.S. Senate completed the process yesterday, voting 96-1 to break the iron grip medicinal rule of pharmaceutical companies, which the court ruled has conspired to systematically keep consumers from using effective natural preventions and remedies for 111 known ailments. The lone dissenting vote was cast by veteran Senator Dan Quayle of Indiana, who was recently elected chairman of the board of Eli Lilly & Co.

New Health Coalition-sponsored Governor Louise Elders gave a rousing speech at High Point Park today, sending off a team of west coast health fitness addicts on a cross-country jogging expedition to influence Washington with the symbolic breaking of a bottle of ginseng soda.

Counter-demonstrators were massing in Kansas, under the leadership of retired curmudgeon and Senator Bob Dole, to block the highway with 10,000 reclining rockers, each containing an overweight, middle-aged Republican.

In related news, the nationwide legalization of cannabis as a highly effective herbal medicine, made retroactive, freed nearly 310,000 jail cells across the U.S. Law enforcement officers were ecstatic. Now we can free up enough prison space to house real criminals, said National Penalogy Potentate Al Davis. We plan to establish 400, maybe 500 prison football teams. We'll work their ass off to win. It'll be great rehabilitation.

The NCAA is reportedly threatening a class action law suit that would ban prison leagues as encroaching on the God-given right of higher education to operate in its traditional manner of scholarly subservience to mitigating financial factors based upon alumnaic paradigms, thereby effecting the comprehensive support of intercollegiate game competitions.

They're scratching up the wrong wall, said Director of Prisons Jon Madden. We can put together a tougher, more entertaining game than those college wimps any day of the week. Once we get the concession and parking deals worked out, we'll be ready to roll.

Bogata, Colombia -- The last of the refuge cocaine lords was brought into justice today, arrested and cavity searched extensively while begging in the remote village of Chicken Scratch, Peru.

Since the market plummeted for the formerly popular recreational drug, the criminal activity around the plant has virtually dried up. Colombian President Juan the Wand Guano said the plant can now be used as it was intended, for native Indians to chew the leaves and enhance their working energy.

President Guano reportedly owns two coffee plantations in the southeast, and regularly includes coca-cola and fresh leaves on the salad bar of the company cafeteria. Last week, the kitchen staff reportedly smashed over 100 dishes in what was reported to be a ceramic frisbee tournament.

Apparently, usual doses of the concentrated pharmaceutical made from coca, however, has suddenly started bringing on the sound of an out-of-tune kazoo inside users' heads.

While the worldwide cocaine market is now considered nil, health care experts at the Planetary Healing Council's exposition at the Himilayan Hilton this week are turning their attention in speeches and panels to a strange new, yet old, addiction that seems to neutralize brain signals and induce Alzheimer's disease -- television. More on this breaking story later.

Ho Chi Minh City, Vietnam -- Former U.S. President and First Lady Bill and Hilary Clinton today broke ground for a new medical research wing onto the giant home for children and abused spouses they established here in 1997 with money he won with the Nobel Peace Prize.

A wave of happy Vietnamese children sang songs of praise to Mr. Billy and their beloved Nana. The Clintons have lived in Vietnam for four years now, fulfilling what Bill revealed to be a longtime dream to live in the lush and beautiful jungle land of the orient.

I just had to wait on a little better circumstances, Bill quipped to a throng of celebrators and well-wishers, who revere his heroic stance against war in their country while a young and courageous college student.

Nashville -- With Christian, Spiritual and New Age music sweeping everything off the hit charts, two mainstay Nashville music studios were auctioned today, as the city again failed to cope with changing tastes.

Amy Grant and her new husband, country legend Lyle Lovett, purchased RCA's main facility and announced it would be turned into an outdoor music and nature garden.

The Hot Licks Country Dumplin' Chicken Dance Hot Damn Studios, most recently owned by Hank Williams Jr., was sold to Yanni and will be re-named the Wave of Light Lifeworks. Painters come in Monday, reportedly with many buckets of sea green and sky blue.

The studios are now painted in fuschia and chartreuse and feature a mural of Hank Sr. and Hank Jr. riding palomino horses into heaven while two rows of dancing pink flamingos flap vigorously on either side.

Luckinback, Texas -- Gov. Willie Nelson and Lt. Gov. Waylon Jennings returned to the roots of one of their favorite musical collaborations today to open a ten million dollar theme park dedicated to the concepts of their new worldwide fraternal organization, GOBS, the Good Ol Boy Society.

The park will be located on 50 acres adjacent to Luckinback's one other business -- Bobby Joe's Beer, Booze, Boobies and Buttheads Dance Emporium and U.S. Post Orifice.

Star attractions will include the wild stagecoach ride, the wild & wooley women saloon and the wild, wooley and weedy smoker's sweat lodge and beer garden.

Santa Monica -- Irate residents demolished the studios of underground gore filmmaker Deuce Dushe, who was reportedly clandestinely at work on Jason MCV: Slits and Slashes. Since Californians banned the showing of gore in 1998, there have been 1, 234 citizen group arrests.

Dushe was picked up by Santa Monica Harbor Patrol at 4 a.m., floating helplessly on an empty video camera case. He was quickly tried, convicted and sentenced to watch 48 consecutive hours of Hayley Mills, Tammy and Gidget movies at the county jail. The despondent Duche reportedly threatened suicide, prompting a 2-hour cavity search at check-in by large women orderlies.

Venice Beach --- There was another big-dollar purchase today by Entertainment Czar O.J.Simpson, a mega-millionaire for his media productions built around the events surrounding his former wife's murder and his trial for the crime, which bankrupted the City of Los Angeles and led to its annexation by Venice Beach.

Simpson, now wed to spiritual evangelist and former entertainer Madonna Mochrie, bought Mecca Entertainment today from Prince Fakir Foo-Foo Doo of Saudi Arabia in a cash deal. Simpson sent corporate attorney Johnnie Cochran and bodyguard A.C. Cowlings to close.

Prince Doo is reportedly retiring to a custom-made billionaire retirement dome in Ted Turner's British Columbia complex.

Meanwhile, the cocaine dealer-police conspiracy now being charged in the double murder of Simpson's wife and friend, yielded more arrests today when former L.A. Detective Mark Fuhrman and a band of armed militamen surrendered to Idaho police and the FBI after being holed up for two weeks in a cavern fortress.

Meanwhile, L.A. Prosecutor Marcia Clark broke a long silence to say that the double murder looked like a mob hit from the very beginning, but, hey, we thought we'd just charge this guy first and kinda see what happened. I mean, you know, what the heck? That was a long time ago and now I've got my chain of mobile child care centers to manage.

Arrests continue. Caught in the net: Manuel Noreiga, former Panamanian dictator, just released from prison Thursday. He and three associates were arrested in the vicinity of a hole in the Mojave Desert in which FBI agents found two million dollars in laundered money and an ounce of marijuana. Two of the men were carrying shovels.

Malibu, CA--Freeze-resusitated entertainer George Burns turned 125 today on the set of his new television sitcom, The Old Fart.

At a surprise birthday party tended by the L.A. Fire Department, Burns tried to deflect rumors that he is really an extraterrestrial here on vacation. Horse Feathers, hooted Burns, waving his familiar stogie, Gracie and I came here for an entirely different purpose, genetical upliftment, but thing's kinda got sidetracked.

SINGAPORE -- The World Council voted unanimously today to ask the City of New York to leave the planet. Already evicted from the State of New York for violating the 1998 Global Decency Act, and declared to be a Free State by 1,666 rival factions, this is the land masses' latest and most serious problem in its continuing spat with the planetary ruling body.

Judge Esteem Hallmark of Sweden said the precipitating incident involved a taxi driver named Butch who carried a visiting celestial to the Biltmore by way of Nova Scotia. On-call Angels have long complained of denizen rudeness, especially in the clamor for gratuities. They recently requested exemption from the planetary 11% rule since they have no concepts of commerce and currency, and don't wear garments that are conducive to loose change.

Next decision for Council is whether to force expulsion through a gravitational uprootment or to subpeona the 1,666 factions to New Jersey traffic court on loitering charges. Expulsion could include a stint on the rehabilitation sphere, Regress, for fumigation and etiquette classes. In New Jersey, anything can happen, and often does.

Where are they now? Spycam spotted former child actor, McCauley Culkin, mugging with his famous Home Alone pose while premiering his new aftershave, Yikes! at the Cosmetics Designer Show in Paris. He was joined on stage with Yikes! pitchman Jack Palance, who did a handstand and an amusing cartwheel into the orchestra pit. Three horns were damaged.

Palance, commenting later while selling kisses at Yikes!'s Olfactory Odorama Booth, minimized the incident. I think violent gymnastics is very sexy. Don't you agree?

Thought for the day ..... Yikes! It's satire.