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Grinning Through Apocalypse
One Armageddon at a Time!
By Jim Cleveland, with Mark Austin
OUTRAGES!
IDIOCIES! ... and more
Serio-Comic and Satirical Comedy Sketches and Acts.
Includes: Dante's Inferno Schermno; Little Richard,
Philosophical Giant; Chickens on the Road, Literary
Division; Interfaith Las Vegas, the Pupae of Irony, the
Great Corny Act, In at Out There Bookz, Songs of Life, and
New Millennium Blues.
Find and hear samples at:
cdbaby.com/all/lightandlife
LIFE REFLECTIONS BY GEORGE CARLIN:
1. Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin
unprotected.
2. I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.
3. I'm in shape. Round is a shape.
4. I'm desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore
helmets.
5. Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
6. I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been
more specific.
7. Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you,
but when you take him
in a car he sticks his head out the window?
8. Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot,
but anyone going faster
than you is a maniac?
9. You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five
miles a day
when she was 60. She's 97 now and we have no idea where she
is.
10. I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I
lock
every other one. I figure no matter how long
somebody stands there
picking the locks, they are always locking three
of them.
11. One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form
of
mental illness. Think of two of your best
friends. If they are OK,
then it must be you.
12. They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think
if you've
got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe
your laundry isn't
your biggest problem.
13. Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they
tell you
it's because they're such beautiful animals. I
think my wife is
beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on
the wall.
14. A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede
jacket and
said, "Don't you know a cow was murdered for that
jacket?" I said "I
didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll
have to kill you too".
15. Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter
Library,
the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan
Library, and the Bill
Clinton Adult Bookstore.
GEORGE CARLIN ON VALUES
Comic philosopher Carlin, who recently
lost his wife, felt especially poignant when he wrote this gem
about his longstanding serio-comic complaints with society &
where true value lies.
The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller
buildings but shorter tempers,
wider Freeways,
but narrower viewpoints. We spend more, but have less, we buy
more,
but enjoy less. We have bigger houses and smaller
families, more conveniences, but less time.
We have more degrees
but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment,
more experts,
yet more problems, more medicine, but less wellness.
We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh
too little,
drive too fast,
get too angry, stay up too late, get
up too tired, read too little,
watch TV too much, & pray too
seldom.
We have multiplied our
possessions, but reduced our values.
We talk too much, love too
seldom, and hate too often.
We've learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added
years to life not life to years.
We've been all the way to the
moon & back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new
neighbor.
We conquered outer space but not inner space. We've
done larger things, but not better things.
We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul. We've conquered
the atom, but not our prejudice.
We write more, but learn less.
We plan more, but accomplish less. We've learned to rush,
but
not to wait.
We build more computers to hold more information,
to produce more copies than ever,
but we communicate less &
less.
These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men &
small character, steep
profits & shallow relationships.
These
are the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier
houses, but broken homes. These are days of quick trips,
disposable
diapers, throwaway morality,
one night stands, overweight
bodies, & pills that do everything from cheer,
to quiet, to
kill. It is a time when there is much in the showroom window &
nothing in the stockroom.
A time when technology
can bring this
letter to you, & a time when you can choose either
to share this
insight, or to just hit delete...
Remember; spend some time with your loved ones,
because
they are
not going to be around forever.
Remember, say a kind word to someone who looks up to you in awe,
because that little person soon will grow up & leave your side.
Remember, to give a warm hug to the one next to you, because
that is the only
treasure you can give with your heart & it
doesn't cost a cent.
Remember, to say, "I love you" to your partner and your loved
ones, but most of all mean it.
A kiss and an embrace will mend
hurt
when it comes from deep inside of you.
Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for
someday that
person will not be there again.
Give time to love, give time to speak! And give time to
share
the precious thoughts in your mind.
AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take,
but by
the moments that take our breath away.
If you don't send this to at least 8 people....Who cares?
- George Carlin
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